The Secret to Permanent Weight Loss
May 10, 2016
Self-Sabotage – How to Stop It
May 10, 2016

It is not what you say but how you say it. Also, people respond to a perceived intent and not necessarily to what you are saying.

Interpretation of your intent happens on other than conscious level and determines the outcome of your communication.

People communicate internally, with themselves, and externally with others. Language is therefore crucial in establishing effective communication. Let’s take a close look at a very simple pattern that permeates human communication and which can be changed to increase the effectiveness of communication. It is very powerful because if you shift this one patterns you can enhance your odds of getting your point across.

When people communicate with one another, the normal prevailing mind-set is either or. Whether you are right OR the other is, making you wrong, either your interests will be met OR theirs will. Either you win OR you lose. This duality is inherent in all internal communication strategies.

The problem with this inherently natural thinking process is that there is room for only one point of view; therefore, the other must be eliminated.  This hidden and powerful assumption which governs human interactions of either – or creates unnecessarily polarizing conflict that only divert attention from your objective; persuading the other to respect your needs.

What would happen IF you chose to adopt a both – and mind-set instead? In this case, the other has a point and so do you. No one is wrong, and both are entitled to their opinion.

The principle here is not rejection of the other but rather affirmation of your basic needs and values.

Making this shift is easy by replacing the word BUT with “yes…and”. A good example of this would be a client who demands a price cut. “Your prices are too high”. It is a natural instinct to counter with “but” look at our quality, our service, our reliability, etc.”

The trouble is that the other may not hear you, for the word “but” is a verbal cue that they are about to be contradicted.

Generally, people dislike being contradicted, so they close their ears.  Subconsciously they are equating contradiction with annihilation of the self. the only thing to do is to protect oneself or deny an “attack is taking place”. hence ears closed.

You are much more likely to get your point across if you begin by acknowledging the other’s point of view first and then make your own point – not in contradiction but in addition to their point.

“Yes”, you are right, our prices are on the high side of the spectrum, AND if you consider our quality, our services and our reliability, I think you will find that they are very reasonable for the value being delivered.”

The shift is really simple. It is a potent way to change your results with a slight change of words.

Live with Power NLP Training is the source of powerful communication training. Become influential even in the most difficult of negotiating scenarios.

Anita Kozlowski
Anita Kozlowski
Anita Kozlowski, of Live With Power, is an internationally licensed NLP trainer. She has trained thousands of individuals from all walks of life in true NLP, for which she has received recognition on three continents. She specializes in helping those who are not able to be helped by mainstream therapy models and developed the revolutionary Structural Psychology model for therapy and success coaching.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.